When I was a kid, there was this mentally disturbed man who
would walk by our store on Saturdays. He was a rough customer. We would be
confined to the porch until he passed. I think his name was Ross and he was one
scary dude.
He carried a bullwhip and his dog always followed him. Every
hundred steps or so, he would spin around, curse the dog, tell it to go home
and lash at it with his whip. The dog knew, to the centimeter, how far to stay
back in order to avoid being struck. He would shake his head, wait until Ross
had recoiled the whip, and then continue following him.
That made me think that maybe the most loyal friend in the
world might be a dog.
Another characteristic that dogs have mastered is persistence.
No matter how many times you tell one you don’t feed animals from the supper
table, the pleading is as sincere and pleasant the hundredth time as it was the
first. Any human I know would have at least growled by then, some even giving
way to a warning snap. Anyway, most humans give in after 20 or so implorings. Which
is the weaker species?
Dogs are extremely bright, but use that intelligence for purposes
of utility only, never for showing off or for self-aggrandizement. There is a
persistent rumor (I first heard it on The
Tonight Show) that, back in the early 1700s, a man taught a dog to talk. After
a few long conversations, he came to the conclusion that there was no physical
impediment to a dog’s talking. Their silence, the man opined, was due more to a
low aspiration level. Dogs seem at peace with their current position in the
evolutionary chain.
There was some thought given, I am also led to believe, that
the recitation of a short essay would be introduced as a step at the Westminster Dog Show. The International
Brotherhood of Show Dogs put a stop to such talk. They said it would lower the standards
of the show to that of a spectacle such as the Miss America competition.
It’s hard to argue with that.
Dogs can, and do, prevaricate, but only for
self-preservation, never for sport or mendaciousness. The most common fib, dogdom’s
most prevalent in fact, is denial. They just aren’t into admission of guilt
that much. Thus, a broken glass or the results of incontinence are equally
disowned with a lowered head and sad eyes, a communication possessing the sincerity
of an undertaker turned insurance agent.
Oh, and the optimism shown by our canine friends. “We’ll
have better weather soon if you just won’t make me go out in this.” Add to this
the eternal hope that, someday, chopped steak will constitute their fare,
replacing dry dog food. “It’s just a matter of time,” they maintain with an
eternal smile, “before humans come to their senses.”
That’s not to say that dogs can’t be both realistic and
vocal at the proper time. Just ask one how the country is doing under the Trump
administration.
“Ruff!” he’ll tell you, exhibiting a mental capacity far above
that of a third of America’s homo sapiens.
Though the president recently told Americans where they could put their solar
panels, a dog, even one with a slight speech impediment, will suggest a much more
beneficial spot.
“Woof,” he’ll suggest, and well we should follow his advice,
ignoring the fact that a dog cares more for the health of the planet than some
elected officials.
So, let us take heart from our canine friends, many whom are
attending services this morning where they will, with joy in their heart, welcome
a new day with the wonderful and happy singing of Canine’s Happy Land, or Just As
I Am Without One Flea.”
No comments:
Post a Comment