This ain’t exactly my area of expertise, but when has that
ever stopped me? There’s been a lot of talk lately about top secret security
clearances. No wonder. Some guy who didn’t rate one had access to all kinds of
sensitive, potentially world-changing, info. It was a case of nepotism run amok.
Oh well. Putin and “Nutty-Yahoo” both had bad days this week because of it. Tough
noogies.
Anyway, here’s what I know, and it goes back a few years.
Seems back when I actually knew people in military security, it worked this way:
the easiest people to clear for a top-secret rating were young, straight,
middle-class kids from “Andy Hardy America.”
They had likely never been in more trouble than getting caught
sneaking cigarettes.
They didn’t allow kids to disrupt school classes back in
those days, so classroom violence in one's past.
BB guns and single-shot 22s didn’t exactly invite mass shootings.
Temptations were limited, for boys, to girls like Beatrice
Lundsford who wore her blouses a little low and showed too much of “Bouncin’ Betty”
and “Jigglin’ Jenny.”
Temptations were limited, for girls, to “Elvis the Pelvis,” shakin’
that thang like ringing a bell.
Kids had no money, so there were no financial under-dealings
to uncover.
You had to work if you weren’t in school, so truancy was
unheard of, plus … there was always Beatrice Lundsford.
Imaginations were limited to mundane dreams like being able
to whip Milton Walker or take a girl away from the captain of the football
team.
There were no homosexuals—at least that’s what Franklin Graham
says (because of all the thoughts and prayers being offered up in school)—so no
likelihood of blackmail.
Aspirations were limited to a good job with the Highway Department.
“Bogartin’ a joint” meant being able to hold an unfiltered Lucky
in your mouth with no hands and not slobber all over it.
“Hookin’ up” meant getting ready to go fishing.
“Coppin’ a joint,” was when the police officers drove through
the “Wagon-Wheel” to make sure the kids were okay and not gathering around
outside their cars planning mischief of some sort.
“Tonight’s the night” meant that there was a revival in town
and Lennie Anne Colclasure was going to get “saved” again, a free show that was
worth much more than a 50-cent movie. As they say these days, “If it gets the
kids in church, nothing is off-limits.” There is a longstanding rumor that her “Faint
and Fall” was nominated for an Academy Award once, but I don’t think that is true.
It was true that every traveling evangelist in America knew her mailing address
and sent her personal invitations to their services. It may also be true about
that being the origination of “the backstage pass.” I don’t know.
Anyway. “Gimme your lunch money,” meant that it wasn’t your
day to walk to “The Little Chef” to get the hamburgers.
“Drive-by shooting was what you and your buddies did back of
O.T. Bennett’s daddy’s place with your BB-guns and bicycles.
It was a less tempting place. So those kids made the “top-secret”
cut while their more sophisticated cousins, who benefitted from many more
opportunities for nefarious behavior, didn’t.
It was said that Great Britain often suffered from internal
espionage because of primogenitor. That’s where the eldest son inherited everything
in the family. Second sons, and beyond, faced the military or civil service.
Since the Brits naturally assume that the higher classes inherently possess a
higher-level moral structure, they don’t bother the rich or elite with any sort
of thorough examination for security clearances, or anything else.
We all know, now, how well that works out.
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| Back when juvenile crime was tormenting the farmer's piglets. |
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