Morning Thoughts: March 2, 2018

Believe it or not, I was once interviewed by the FBI. I had only peripheral knowledge of the matter, but it scared me sh …, pretty bad. So naturally I sought the advice of my dear friend and legal consultant Argumento de Minimus, the Harvard-Bred Lawyer. We often jogged together and had time available to jabber.

I love attorneys ‘cause they pay you well if you testify as an “expert” for them and they see that you get paid. They’ve also kept me from saying a lot of stupid things over the years—not all, but a lot.  If you haven’t noticed, though, attorneys aren’t exactly generous about giving away secrets of their profession. My friend’s advice, therefore was limited.

“Don’t lie,” he said. “It’s five years in prison if you lie to them.”

He elaborated a bit more on lies in general and the Feds’ lack of gradation, moderation, or humor concerning them. The thing I remember is that the only time he used the word “white” was when he assured me they would prosecute men of my race as quickly as they would those of others. "Don't fib, ad lib, or mess in your crib," he said, using one of the bedrock legal principles he had learned at Cambridge.

Of course I followed his advice. Argumento wasn’t only an attorney, he was a reserve Major in Military Intelligence. He even drew summer duty at the Pentagon. If he said “Don’t lie,” as numb as it may have made my tongue to comply, I told the truth.

Turned out, the agent was a super-nice chap. I told the truth. He thanked me and confirmed that I only reinforced what they already knew. We gossiped a bit, and he was about to leave without learning much.

Except for one little thing, and he perked up when I “dropped a dime” with that tidbit. Oh dear, was he happy. And, I found that Pierre Choderlos de Laclos was correct when he wrote, "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froide." In fact, I served mine with a frigid glass of Chardonnay and some chilled wedges of “Bite-me Brie.” I still smile at the memory.

But that was a long time ago, in a paradigm far away.

I have to assume that Argumento was correct, and the five-year standard still applies.

If it does, the term “March Madness,” is going to take on a whole new meaning. My fellow Americans, what say, let’s put the wine in the fridge?

It just says, "From H."
Quick, before it gets warm.