Complexity

I don’t think this is classified. Even if it is, I’ll share it anyway. How could they prosecute me for breaking my Oath of Enlistment while Cadet Bone Spurs and pals daily violate their Oath of Office? Besides, I plan to make a professional point to fellow urban planners and students of public administration.

It starts this way: I possess certain information that I wish to pass along to those who never experienced the blessings of military service. It can be a hoot at times. Not so much so at others. But one learns things.

What I plan to divulge is this: There used to be, when I served my country, an approved military method of treating an infestation of crabs in the pubic area. It specified that one first shave half of said pubic area, leaving the other half bare.

Now we come to the useful part. I’m not sure this is still doctrine. I don’t think the U.S. Navy is as manly as it used to be. Anyway, having shaved half the infested area, one then applies cigarette-lighter fluid to the other half and sets it afire. The terrified crabs flee into the shaved area whereupon the subject stabs them to death with a sharp icepick. There, call me a whistle-blower if you wish.

You might ask, “ What’s the point? Okay keep up.

Fast-forward to modern times. This is exactly the method that many cities use in writing their zoning regulations. And the writers wonder why there is such screaming during the application of those regulations.

It extends to the state regulation writers as well. And the feds have fully-automatic icepicks that can deliver 60 strikes a minute. Have you ever read the U.S. Tax Code? It’s harder to read than some zoning codes. I once read the instructions for taking out money from your IRA. If I remember correctly, it was twelve pages of tiny-font gibberish.

And there are zoning codes that take four paragraphs to tell you where the front-yard setback line runs, an odd fact because front yard setbacks are a bit anachronistic in today’s world. The problem in deciding where they go stems from what to call the front of the house. See, there are overhangs, cornices, foundation extension, front porches, bay windows, and oh, my head is spinning.

And so we go. We no longer address problems with a “Hey kids, let’s put on a show.” Now it’s “Hey kids, let’s complicate the hell out of anything we can find.”

And we wonder why kids stare at their cell phones all day.