I have no authority whatsoever to do it, but I’m claiming
this as National Curmudgeon Week, in honor of myself. Today is Brown Shoe Day.
For the young, who have missed out on many funny things in
life and are now experiencing an era of ordained non-levity, this refers to the
old admission that “I feel like a pair of brown shoes in a world full of
tuxedos.”
See, that used to be funny. Time was, one didn’t wear brown
shoes with tuxedos. That’s when the saying meant something. Now we live in a
world in which it would either be acceptable, considered “awesome,” met with indifference,
or unnoticed if it weren’t on a cell phone screen.
At any rate, here are some things, new and old, about which I
feel out of step with the rest of humanity. Please feel free to add your own
under “comments” or on Facebook. They won’t hurt my feelings. I’m a brown shoe,
remember? In the meantime, here is my Top Ten List of unfathomable “Things I Don’t
Understand.”
10. Katherine Hepburn. She had a voice like a prostitute’s
fingernails being hooked up to a large Marshall amplifier and dragged down a
slate chalkboard. She had a figure that would make a popsicle stick look sexy.
She had a file of acting moves that wouldn’t have taken more than a kilobyte, and
an air of haughty arrogance that would have made her the primary subject of any
girl’s locker room of my generation. I’d rather be forced to stare at Steve
Bannon’s face or Kim Kardashian’s ass than watch Hepburn in a movie.
9. Food Trucks. I know. I know. Unload your weapons. It’s my
take and my take only. You’re welcome to eat at the nasty things for three
meals a day with my blessings. As for me, I worked my way through two college degrees
so I wouldn’t have to, and to think, they helped cause Dixie Café to close.
8. Men and boys wearing hats or caps indoors. It’s stupid,
unseemly, unsocial, and indicative of a lack of breeding that would make Donald
Trump look sophisticated. I know I can’t change history, but could we at least remove
them at funerals?
7. Calling anything other than a drink composed of Gin and
Vermouth a “Martini.” At long last, have we no sense of decency?
6. Watching movies on cell phones. Has anyone’s life become that
meaningless? Hell, we’ll be watching football games on them next.
5. A commercial TV series. Watching five minutes of
storyline and fifteen minutes of fast food commercials is no way to change the Universe.
4. Cirque du Soleil.
Entertainment, I’ve always thought, was supposed to be, well, entertaining, not
weird and scary except in Stephen King movies. It’s only a short, tragic, step
from this to watching hordes of mentally impaired Irish-folk tap dancing in unison.
3. Fox “news.” If my only desire in life is to destroy brain
cells, having mass quantities of Jack Daniels sipping whiskey and playing the banjo
with friends is a lot more fun and educational.
2. Giving the slightest damn about the British royal family.
Didn’t we fight a war or two over this?
And…
1. Cars equipped with GIS. Please, please, please … if you can’t
read a map, street names, or road signs, don’t drive. Get drunk and go walking
along busy streets instead.
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